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Where Exactly Is 'I’m Fine' on the Wheel of Emotions?

  • Writer: Marlize Labuschagne
    Marlize Labuschagne
  • Feb 26
  • 5 min read

Updated: Feb 28


“I’m fine.”

This phrase feels like the emotional equivalent of putting a jersey over a flashing warning light.

Technically, something is happening. We are just not looking at it.


I hear “fine” regularly in my practice. I hear it from teenagers and from adults. I hear it from high-achieving professionals who are absolutely not fine, but are functioning "sooooo well". And I might have even used it myself a few times.


Here’s the thing:

“Fine” isn’t an emotion. "Fine" is often a comfortable, familiar blanket that we use to hide what we do not want the world to see. Underneath the “fine”, there might be anxiety. Or disappointment. Or sensory overload. Or social exhaustion. Or a part of you that really cannot be bothered to get into a discussion right now.


Have you ever tried getting curious about what is really hiding underneath?


Emotional Literacy: What Is It and Why Does It Matter?

Emotional literacy is the ability to recognise, understand, and name our emotions. Research has shown that the ability to name our emotions reduces emotional intensity and increases regulation. In simple terms, naming feelings helps calm the brain.


For teenagers, emotional literacy is strongly linked to better peer relationships, improved behaviour, and reduced internalising symptoms. For adults, higher emotional awareness correlates with improved well-being and resilience.


Understanding our emotions is not about becoming more emotional. It’s about becoming more precise. And precision creates power.


Why “Fine” Became the Favourite Emotional Shortcut

We start learning emotional vocabulary from an early age. If you grew up hearing things like, “Stop being dramatic,” “You’re too sensitive,” “Calm down,” or “It’s not a big deal,” you may have absorbed the message that emotions are inconvenient. Something to minimise rather than understand.


Many of the teenagers I work with are navigating academic pressure, social comparison, constant digital input, and the complexity of figuring out who they are. For neurodivergent teens and adults, emotional experiences can be even more layered, especially when sensory systems are overloaded and social demands are high. When the nervous system is overwhelmed, detailed emotional language is often the first thing to disappear. So we default to “fine.” Or “tired.” Or “stressed.” All technically true. None very specific.


Your Nervous System Speaks Before You Do

Our nervous system responds before our thinking catches up. If someone is snappy, their body might just be stressed out. If someone seems zoned out, their body might just be overwhelmed. If a teenager says “I don’t care”, there may be anxiety underneath.If an adult says “I am just tired”, there may be overwhelm. When we understand behaviour as communication, not personality failure, our response shifts.


Instead of asking “What is wrong with you?”, we ask, “What is happening in your system?”

Sometimes just asking the question changes the energy.


The Different Parts of You That Make Their Appearance

We don’t come with a “one feeling only” setting. A part of me is excited. A part of me is anxious. A part of me wants to try. A part of me would quite like to hide in a blanket fort...forever.


Through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, different parts of us have different roles. Some are protective, some anxious, some achievement-driven, and others are exhausted parts.

Sometimes “I’m fine” is a protective part doing its job. It may be trying to prevent overwhelm, avoid vulnerability, or keep things moving.


When we shift from “What is wrong with me?” to “Which part of me is showing up?” we move from shame to curiosity. Criticism escalates. Curiosity regulates.


Call It What It Is

There is a difference between overwhelm and anxiety. Between disappointment and rejection. Between irritation and anger. Between resting and shutting down. When everything gets labelled as “stressed”, we lose important information.


Research suggests that when people can distinguish between similar emotions, they manage them more effectively and report better mental health overall. In other words, the better you name your emotions, the less they boss you around.


Emotional Awareness in Neurodivergent Brains

Neurodivergent individuals may feel emotions as more intense, fast-moving, or difficult to decode, particularly when sensory input and executive functioning demands are high. It is not a deficit to not be able to name feelings. It is a difference, and often a sign that the system is overloaded.


A neurodiversity-affirming approach does not ask, “Why can’t you just explain how you feel?” It asks instead, “What would help you notice and put words to what is happening?” That might mean allowing more time, using visual supports, reducing sensory input, or focusing on co-regulation before starting a conversation. Regulation comes first. Words follow.


Keeping It Simple

You do not need a laminated emotion wheel (but if you’ve already laminated one, I see you).

Start small. Instead of “I’m fine”, pause and ask yourself, “If I wasn’t fine, what else might I be?” You could also try a simple sentence stem: “Right now I feel ______ because ______.” Even adding one degree of nuance can make a difference.


For example, uneasy instead of anxious. Pressured instead of stressed. Disheartened instead of sad. Overstimulated instead of grumpy. These shifts may seem small, but they aren’t. They build awareness → Awareness builds regulation →Regulation builds resilience.


What This Means for Parents and Professionals

Modelling is powerful. Saying things like, “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed today, so I’m going to take a short break,” or “Part of me feels frustrated, and part of me knows this is important,” shows young people that emotions can be named calmly and managed safely.


Validation also matters. Simple responses such as “That makes sense,” “I can see why that would feel disappointing,” or “It sounds like a lot,” go a long way. Validation doesn’t mean agreement. It means recognising that the emotion fits the context. And when emotions make sense, they tend to settle more quickly.


It’s Not Who You Are. It’s What You Practise

Some people were taught this early. Many weren’t. But emotional literacy can be developed at any age. Moving beyond “fine” supports mental health, strengthens nervous system regulation, deepens relationships, reduces shame, and builds greater self-understanding. And honestly, it makes conversations far more meaningful.


So the next time “fine” shows up, pause and gently ask yourself: what’s actually happening underneath? You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to solve it. Call it by its real name. That is where regulation begins.


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